Mile High Top Sites ®™

1.) “If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.”

2.) “When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.”

3.) “I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early.”

4.) “I have to go in for a blood transfusion… My stigmata’s acting up again.”

5.) “I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6.) “I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in…”

7.) “I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.”

8.) “Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.”

9.) “I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and lost today.”

10.) “I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11.) “The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.”

12.) “The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet.”

13.) “Today I am compelled to remain an enigma.”

14.) “My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.”

15.) “I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16.) “Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window.

WARNING: Don not send this to your co-workers, you will be the only one not working and get fired!

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.
AT WORK….You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK….You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK….You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK….You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.
AT WORK….You have to share.

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK….You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK….You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK….They are called supervisors.

When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.