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When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.’

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. That’s why everyone is switching to www.SatelliteLivePcTv.com to watch FREE Cable TV and hardly no commercials.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

16. More are losing jobs. More are finding secure ways for making money online BlogThisToTheBank.com

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car.

The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, “and your not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass”.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again.”

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” — Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” — George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

“This is a great day for France!” — Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral.

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.’” — George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh…setbacks.” — George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.” — Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.” –Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is.” — Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.” — William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.” — George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.” — George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.” — Ronald Reagan

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.” — Ronald Reagan

“Economy Showing Glimmers Of Hope” - President Barack Obama, April 10, 2009, says the economy is improving despite continuing stresses. President refused to predict how high the unemployment rate will rise before a sustainable recovery begins.

When Do You Think The Economy Will Change For The Better?

• 3-6 Months
• 1 Year
• 2 Years
• 3 Years
• 4 Years
• The Economy Wont Change At All Until 10 Years

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George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” He said “No.” Then they said “All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”

George said, “Okay” He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them.” and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars r ed-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. (Cora Harvey Armstrong)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. (Erma Bombeck)

Old age ain’t no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase “working mother” is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. (Jennifer Unlimited)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb .. and I’m also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man) if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career… (Gloria Steinem)

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut up with cookies. (unknown)

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?’

Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax :

Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Citibank: ‘That might help…’

Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!

“What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

“Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out.”

“I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said.”

“By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.”

“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor.

“Yes.”

“What did it say?”

“Don’t stand up in the car!”

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,

“I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.” With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”