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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.”

4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.”

10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”

12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”

16. “He would argue with a signpost.”

17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”

22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60-minutes’.”

31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.

“Excuse me,” the lawyer asked, “But why are you touching my back?”

“I’m a chiropractor,” the man replied, “and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills.”

“Get control of yourself,” the lawyer shot back. “I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me bleeding out money the guy in front of me, do you?”

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”.

Jose says, …. “Look at your sign, what does it say?”

Carlos’ sign reads, “I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.”

Jose says, “No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars.”

Carlos says, “So what does your sign say?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign……

It reads, “I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico….”

….the Big Bang woke him up.

….Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution, but John McCain witnessed it.

….it takes an archeologist to dig up dirt on him.

….in 1st grade he only had to learn one continent on the flat earth.

….ALL parties were toga parties when he was in school.

….his library card says “Alexandria” on it.

….his copy of the Bible is autographed.

….he owes Moses twenty bucks.

….he remembers when Iraq was Mesopotamia.

….Joe Lieberman has to remind him not to refer to Iranians as “Proto-Elamites.”

….he voted against funding the Pyramids.

….when the walls of Jericho fell down, he blocked legislation to rebuild.

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man’s milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
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Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….”
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still
on my desk… sorry ……..
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
————————————————————
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill
Gates!
——————————————————————–
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says
‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
——————————————————————–
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
——————————————————————–
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
——————————————————————–
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.