Mile High Top Sites ®™

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee..

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner..

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk..

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find aproduct that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. “This will look good on my mantel,” he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

“I would like an ice-cold Coke right now.” He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible.”

Suddenly, he’s on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work again.” Instantly, he was back in his government office.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.”

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

“Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2008-2009 editions for the work-place vocabulary:

BLAME STORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

KISS THE BOSS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get fired.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking out an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINI SPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” - needless paperwork and processes.

WEB AIR HEAD
404 Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

THE NO SECOND TIME
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

JOB JOKE
You work all day and sweat while the guy on the Internet makes more money in one day than you do in one year. —> Make Money Online, Learn The Secrets! —> BlogThisToTheBank.com

1.) “If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.”

2.) “When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.”

3.) “I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early.”

4.) “I have to go in for a blood transfusion… My stigmata’s acting up again.”

5.) “I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6.) “I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in…”

7.) “I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.”

8.) “Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.”

9.) “I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and lost today.”

10.) “I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11.) “The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.”

12.) “The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet.”

13.) “Today I am compelled to remain an enigma.”

14.) “My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.”

15.) “I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16.) “Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window.

WARNING: Don not send this to your co-workers, you will be the only one not working and get fired!

IN PRISON…You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…You get three meals a day.
AT WORK….You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK….You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON…A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK….You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK….You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…You get your own toilet.
AT WORK….You have to share.

IN PRISON…They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK….You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK….You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK….You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK….They are called supervisors.

When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management